March 2, 2020: The night where my newborn scream-cried, uncontrollably, for five hours straight.

May 27

Trigger warning: Suicidal mentions, depression

Nobody told us about P.U.R.P.L.E. crying. And we were wrecked because of it.

Peak: 2 weeks old - 2 months
Unexpected: unpredictable, no logical cause
Resistant: to being soothed
Pain: may falsely appear in discomfort
Long-lasting: can go on for hours a day
Evening: when babies tend to cry the most

Essentially... shorter bursts of colic behaviour that are intense and unsolvable.

One month into our newborn journey, and battling with severe PPA and PPD mixed with very little sleep, I was having vivid thoughts about jumping from our fifth story balcony. At one point it even sounded glorious- anything to not hear this painful sound from his tiny body. My brain was spiralling out of control and we had no idea how to help him.

On the fifth hour of Leo scream-crying we called in our team of midwives for an emergency visit at 1 am. After doing a thorough physical exam, they fed him a bottle, and he immediately went to sleep. We had tried that many times over the 5 hours.

I’d never felt more like a failure, and simultaneously relieved, in that moment. In my head it confirmed that I had no idea how to take care of my son. When in reality... he was just ready to rest- and likely, the calming energy of my midwife was just the trick he needed.

Afterwards I had a very hard, tear filled conversation with my lead midwife. She taught me about PURPLE crying and how very real -and devastating- it can be. I didn’t know that he could cry without a cause. I thought there must always be something I should intuitively know to solve.

But... nope. And this happened multiple times, and his nightly crying went on for months. Thankfully, with the knowledge in our back pocket that as long as we were doing everything in our power for his comfort (*and we had the all-clear medically)... we were dealing with P.U.R.P.L.E.